He might have aspects that he doesnt want to tell you about. dinoceros NS8848 She deliberately threw a bomb. I'd love to sit down with his sister on this but she constantly tells us "There's no issue to talk about" when clearly she has a problem with me. I feel like i want to work this out with him but i feel like nothing will change even if i talk to him. November 30, 2017, 5:01 pm, I agree with bgm again on this one. If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com. Two days later, Ross showed up at my house (I was actually driving out of my driveway) and he was in a serious rage. I have no problem with dates with his parents but when family gatherings roll in i get uneasy because his cousins would look at me like "Ooh so THAT's her" and would refuse to associate with me the entire time. Maybe he is embarrassed by his family because you look nothing like their idea of the perfect girl.. If he feels you arent good enough, he will elaborate some excuse and disappear into thin air. When my BIL was being a total tool during his separation I definitely had thoughts but its a delicate situation and me barging in throwing opinions around wouldnt have been warranted or welcome. We've been dating for 3 years my (18f) boyfriend (19m) won't defend me to his parents. He also is known to have major anger issues. Hi! December 2, 2017, 12:07 am. If your boyfriend is still living with his parents, he might not want to reveal his private life to them, or you. My boyfriend and I have been going out for about a year now and his family constantly judges me. Ive met people like this and they are annoying and self righteous AF. I do think that in the future, you need to look at your judgment though. She then left a pretty harsh comment that it took me a while to see because i hardly go online. Skyblossom Hi. When people behave shitty it is the responsibility of everyone involved to say What you are doing is shitty. It doesnt matter whether you agree with them or not. Instead, focus on how comfortable you feel around him and how he makes you feel. But at the very least spoken with your boyfriend in private about what he thinks about his brothers drinking Instead you caused a public scene and later got one in return. You can talk to your partner about it and express concern. Which it appears hes not there yet. This makes me mad. Please please help me. Your rivalry about their fraternity is unhealthy anyway, and they may be in their thirties, they are not mature. Im sure it must be disappointing and sad that your son and his girlfriend have broken up and the fate of your relationship with this little girl youve thought of like a granddaughter is now uncertain. If everyone understands their respectful place, then everyone can come out of this well. Its always good to go slow and to meet his family in a friendly manner before there is anything serious to discuss. His parents might be perfectionists and have high expectations of him. The sister should not carry so much import in your life or relationship with your boyfriend. This everyone in family to walk on eggshells around him. My feelings are hurt that he wouldn't instinctively . Im very sorry you have to go through this. Yeah. November 30, 2017, 2:20 pm, Well, this escalated fairly quickly to be sure. LisforLeslie Whether hes in denial or really has no backbone, its in the LWs best interest to bow out of this relationship. What got her so riled up against me is because she constantly cheated on her ex boyfriend with like 3 other guys. Spare me Why did you sabotage their relationship? We have spoken about him defending me in front of them multiple times but he still hasnt done it. Especially when that person has anger issues and you insult them. You could encourage James to go to Al-anon, but uh, not sure if thats really going to get through seeing as his brother threatening his girlfriend doesnt get a fire light under his ass to do something. Then shes surprised that he flipped his shit on her? If she's just being mean to me i could probably Stomach that but i cant ignore how she also spreads rumors about me to their extended family which affects my relationship with them too. Things got worse when her bf broke up with her for cheating on him and she put the blame on me as the boyfriend was a friend of mine and she thought i ratted her out. Talking to her myself will probably like talking to a brick wall. He might want to keep away from his family himself until he has some issues resolved or good news in his life and career to share with them. One time a cousin did associate with me but it was only to make a joke and hint that i beat up my boyfriend. (Ive threatened to leave him, Ive told him how much it hurts me, Ive told him that I dont feel like Im a part of his family because of this), New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast. When you marry someone, you're marrying the whole family FOREVER. Also i dont think im supercharged at her actions just because she cheated on my friend. Don't give her so much power. Never assume that someones family is a source of joy. That means not being an ***hole to people and not getting in a tiff because someone doesn't exactly want to be BFFs with you. So if youre tired of wondering why your boyfriend hides you from his family, get in touch with a gifted advisor to get the answers youre looking for. We sometimes include products we think are useful for our readers. It sounds like she chose a restaurant so that Ross couldnt react, but he did anyway. He agrees with them. Ill take you through it. My loved ones that drank were mild mannered when sober and angry monsters when drinking) HOWEVER, it was not your place to confront and embarrass Ross in public. He might have a painful past or an unconventional family. 7 years wasted is 7 years u can't get back. How do I explain something to the Girl I am dating? Garland said the U.S. She keeps pointing out that i am not a part of the family. Dump him. Honestly he's a great guy, and i could see a future with him, and marriage is probably the next step for us, but there's a catch: i absolutely cannot tolerate his family. He even kicked, punched, and jumped on my truck while I was in it trying to drive away. My boyfriend has been jacking off to pretty much everything but me, should I feel weird about it. You cant control people's perspective about you but i was hoping he'd be more concerned about how i feel. Also im still in med school. How do I know, bad breakup. When I asked him why he didn't defend me, he said that it only would have escalated the situation, and he didn't want us to get kicked out as well. I've been trying really really hard to ignore what she's doing. This can also be the reason why hes not introducing you to his friends. I know its hard but if he loves you, the truth will slowly come out. In time, I realized that James does have my back, he is just in a very hard situation. He feels like he owes it to her not to trash talk her to you; after all, she was part of his life at some point. what do I do? Hes probably hoping it just blows over. Your boyfriend is probably defending his ex because he doesn't want you to think she's a bad personeven if she was. This same applies to myself as well. While this can be a helpful resource for some, others are using these platforms to self-diagnose and potentially harm their mental health. The consent submitted will only be used for data processing originating from this website. But I'd ignore her. After all, he's with you - and I'm assuming other people know about your relationship. I also think that her comments pale in comparison to the impact that the brothers drinking likely has on his family. It may be a complex situation with some of . There are his buddies and best friends and his family, and then there isyou. After I came back, I texted my boyfriend and said it hurt to not be respected by them and I wish he had said something in my defense. Need Advice! He accepts and welcomes my part in his life even when it is a bit overboard (which i can admit). December 1, 2017, 8:34 pm. A case of blood is thicker than water. They all learned years ago to not do anything that would set him off. Also, shes not a partner in their business. ele4phant At this point I was pretty upset and muted myself and left the room for a while because I was crying and my boyfriend could see me because we were on a muted FaceTime call. Knowing that he has anger issues, why would she think it was OK to do that? You should have just shut the fuck about this, really. Maybe even kick a bitch. Ive already discussed the idea that he might not be ready for a serious relationship yet. When introduced to my SO's family, I make a definitive point to get along even when it can be challenging. Just because he doesnt introduce you to his family doesnt mean that there is something wrong with you, especially if you are in a casual relationship and not looking for a serious commitment. November 30, 2017, 10:13 am. . Your energy should be focused on yourself and your life, school, etc. Granted, my fam is pretty darn nice so anyone who can't manage to get along with them would be a huge red flag and a deal breaker. Continue with Recommended Cookies, By Im not trying to downplay or excuse him for doing nothing, but considering how close their relationship is, he could be reluctant to say or do anything. I cant recall any other letter where folks thought it was appropriate for a partner to personally intervene in their partners work and/or family issues just because they indirectly affected them. You need to move on. Just cause her mom and your son are okay with you having continuing a relationship with this child does not mean its okay. Ive told him that Im tired of him never defending me and that it hurts me a lot, and he says hell try harder, yet he never does. No one wants to be judged. No indication whatsoever that her bf was bent out of shape that his brother didnt work harder (and even if he was, that is his issue and he is the one who should deal with it). Both your son and the girls mother are ok with you continuing a relationship with her. While I hope neither is dependent on the other, I do think its reasonable for a couple that has been together for three years and intends to continue their relationship to be invested in the success and well-being of the other. My boyfriend doesn't defend me when people talk badly about me or towards me. December 1, 2017, 3:56 pm. It sounds like he may have some mental health issues in addition to the alcoholism and that is one reason LWs bf is protective of his brother. Again she blamed me for something i didnt do. Unfortunately, I agree with DW You must break up with James. ct m ti bnh vin thm m Kangnam an ton mang li nhiu u im ni bt. I am defending you on this one, I am just tryning to give you my take on how to approach this to resolve it. Create an account to follow your favorite communities and start taking part in conversations. Nah, she had no business confronting him. Manage Settings Cleopatra Jones At a certain point, I would feel like a moral failure for *not* saying something. I posted something on FB once and she thought it was about her brother (it wasnt) and she posted some smack in the comments. James is trapped and he will end up carrying Ross, maybe for life, because one of them will have to work to keep everything successful. Just be responsive to the parents. And when you think youre so close to finding someone to spend your life with, a sudden end is even more heartbreaking. Not your circus, not your monkeys. SailBobo Did you like our article? November 30, 2017, 9:55 am. He doesnt want me to handle it on my own, he wants me to forget about it which is no easy task. +91 95198 60509. It might be for your own good. Now I also have no idea what the issues you are having with his family. Started Tuesday at 03:06 AM, By Yes, the attachment may fade over time, but that would be a more natural distancing that would be easier on you both. If her bf had a problem with his brother, then it was his issue to handle. This has been an issue throughout our entire relationship. Why would she think its her place to call out Ross on his drinking? Im sorry youre hurting, and that you will likely hurt for a little while. The fact is that hes not emotionally ready to bring you into his life completely. Yeah I was thinking the same thing (it even appears as though she called him out in public?). Your question is one about appropriateness, and while the situation is certainly more complicated than it was before you son and his girlfriend broke up, its not really as complicated as you might think. Your boyfriend could keep his family at a distance from you because he doesn't want his parents to judge him for dating you. What do i do? Started Saturday at 12:43 AM, By I wouldn't tolerate a SO that told me they were in my side "by correcting" me. (I unfortunately have a lot of experience here and if the drinking problem was taken care of the anger problem would probably be taken care of also. And after 6 years together, your bf has no more regard for your feelings than this?? This made me feel worse, and more alone. . So, yes, not the best way to broach the subject at all. and our He might feel that its too early to be introducing you to his friends because he wants to keep the relationship on the down low until its more serious. . MTFO. What can I do? Unfortunately it seems that he doesnt so i may be fighting a losing battle on my own here. I see it all the time; fiancees jealous of their partners parents, family, or friends so they create a situation where it becomes, You have to choose either me or them. Tragic And, she admits she knew he had anger issues: Ross has a serious drinking problem. This relationship is beyond repair. Theres no rush anyways. What exactly is his sister saying or doing to you to humiliate you? This is not difficult. Hi, my (21f) boyfriend (23m) doesnt defend me in front of his friends. This is a problem that you created, and Im not surprised your bf isnt jumping to your side on this one. The brother was not there when Ross pushed her (she was inside her truck ?) After that she was particularly nasty to me. The Page has either been moved or deleted, or you entered the wrong URL or document name. But it can be hard with a sister who painted you in a bad way to the rest of the family and a boyfriend who is unwilling to help me let them see me in a different way by telling his sister to stop. I was in a PlayStation party with my boyfriend and his four friends. It's sad to say, but often the reason a man doesn't invite a partner to his family events is that he's embarrassed or ashamed of them. Does that really impact how you feel about him? I cant wrap my head around how he thinks this is ok. That this is healthy. Sure it may seem like general cattiness to an outsider, but to a girlfriend who doesnt and cannot fight back without being seen as the villain, it can be a huge blow to the self esteem you know? Dead wrong. I wouldnt say that i wouldnt want to be around the parents specifically. You can refer to the answers. Build a relationship with his parents. Started February 13, By My boyfriend silently ignores him, but never defends me and doesn't try to prove his dad wrong. You have no idea what is going on in his world. Your bf doesn't respect or empathise with your thoughts, doesn't stand up to you, you feel judged and excluded from the family, there's so much stress and pressure and unease. She puts relationship on hold. Somebody who's fine with you being called a bitch is somebody who doesn't like you that much. Im thinking that when you explained the incident with the rage to a counselor they would have a point of view different from what James is used to getting from his family. He might be taking his time to figure out how he wants to proceed. Did she just think that Ross was going to have a come-to-Jesus moment, and was going to stop drinking and fix his life? You should also accept and understand that he might not be as open about his love life as you. jwrunner81 November 30, 2017, 9:39 am. /r/Relationships is a community built around helping people and the goal of providing a platform for interpersonal relationship advice between redditors. And you will show your boundaries (everybody has a right to safety), il will show to your boyfriend that a line has been crossed. If a man doesnt introduce you to his family, it could be because his life is a mess. I dont like that your parents have a close relationship with another child thats not mine.?? Thats not going to change overnight, and not if hes not willing. She has no right to mention or worry about whos working harder. You don't need to be with someone who picks fights all the time, but your guy should have your. Am I being gas lighted? LW made to big errors here. Not so much the damage to your truck, thats out of line, but probably everything he said to you. It was petty but it was still humiliating because a lot of people saw. Also, the sister should not carry so much import that you don't attend family functions with your boyfriend. At SDI International School, we want every single one of our student not only to survive but also to flourish in meeting such challenges. Thats what she was doing here. Oh but we're kind of still young. Love is not blood only. Skyblossom It might be deeper than him "not bothering" to do so; maybe he doesn't get along with his family, maybe he's ashamed to introduce them to you, and maybe a host of 100 different reasons. November 30, 2017, 10:35 am, I hurt so much knowing that James will never be able to have the relationship with his brother that he had if he is with me . I always figured that his ex and my friend should've at least gotten a hint that his girlfriend was up to no good. 8.4K views, 150 likes, 7 loves, 7 comments, 254 shares, Facebook Watch Videos from BBM - Iloilo Supporters: Or perhaps you are not what they would imagine for him. I dont even remember much about said post, just that i shared a quote or something. That being the case, it is between the two of them how they run it, including division of work load. Knowing what we know about Ross, Im hardly surprised at his reaction. JinjimmynieSeptember 11, 2017 in Relationship Advice. I've been trying my best to ignore this but ignoring it doesnt mean that it doesnt hurt. Yes, this would be a deal breaker for me. Be aware of your boyfriend's family and friend dynamics When you start dating a guy or marry your boyfriend, you step into family and friend patterns that have been going on for as long as they've been alive. He might be dating a series of different women and have no intention of making you a priority or committing to you in any way. I can't look at him the same now. You will eventually become resentful and he will break your heart. While they can be highly effective in reducing pain, they also come with a high risk of addiction and overdose. It takes time coming up with excuses and leaving your friends hanging at family gatherings just because your boyfriend doesnt want you around with his parents and siblings yet. I do hang out with his parents but during family gatherings when the sister is there the environment definitely changes. And now she constantly passively aggressively makes it a point that im not part of the family. 5. Kitnkabutle You need to start detaching yourself. He condones their behavior, and 2. Because i do care. I did, and Ive never looked back since. Or perhaps you are from conflicting religions or cultures. at 23 you arent ready to settle down anyway. At the very least managing civility no matter what. Bittergaymark evenworse She resents this. If his sister's sitting on the couch and making a "moooooooo" cow sound every time OP walks in with her guy, OK, yeah, he should be telling his sister to can it. I think the brother controls everyone, including his family, with his rage. Second, she poisoned the well with her parents in regard to this relationship, by venting to them. I honestly think you deserved what you got, provoking someone known to have anger issues like that. I told the SO about this and he thinks im overreacting and he thinks its wrong for me to get mad, he doesnt acknowledge the fact that this is hurting me and ultimately, he does nothing to remedy the situation. Fortnite That was very stupid and very avoidable and doubtless one reason her bf didnt have her back as much as she wanted is that he is royally pissed by her actions. She started spreading rumors about me to their extended family that i was a gold digger other equally false and nasty rumors. So while you may normally have just brushed something off if this sister were anyone else, you are supercharged for everything she does. I'm much more inclined towards this. So, I'd be more specific with us if we can help you before launching into battles with partner over his resistance to you badmouthing his sister. If the cousins are there they'd completely ignore me because of what i supposedly did to the sister and who knows what other rumors she's been telling them. I then became a target of her wrath pretty much since then. You need to start accepting that she isnt your grandchild and putting those boundaries in place. Press question mark to learn the rest of the keyboard shortcuts. The Real Housewives of Atlanta The Bachelor Sister Wives 90 Day Fiance Wife Swap The Amazing Race Australia Married at First Sight The Real Housewives of Dallas My 600-lb Life Last Week Tonight with John Oliver Your boyfriend has decided his sister's reactions have no bearing on his relationship with you. What a nightmare that would have been! Our relationship isnt perfect (not many are). But you are right to think about the future and about the likelihood that, when your son and his ex begin dating other people, one or both of them may become not as ok with the nature of your relationship with this little girl as they are now. If it was just a bad reaction at the restaurant, I might agree with you. This women will likely find someone new along with their family. Ruby Thursday November 30, 2017, 10:38 am. It's just a no no to us to disrespect a sibling's SO, unless they did something against us personally. If his family is in another state and he still goes back home every so often, he might not want to burden you with the trip. Reddit and its partners use cookies and similar technologies to provide you with a better experience. He repeatedly says very hurtful things about me to my boyfriend or to the rest of his family. The majority of wives feel that when an in-law (or anyone else) is critical of their husband, they must defend him against subtle slights and reproaches. its kind of rude for her to point that out but it is the truth. We seek posts from users who have specific and personal relationship quandaries that other redditors can help them try to solve. But with his family, its an exception. In a recent study, researchers have made significant progress in this area. Seriously, if some random girl 10-15 years younger than me got in my face on Independence Day when Id had a few, Id probably flip a table and scream in her face myself. Regardless if she cheated or not, i'd still get mad if someone spread rumors about me being a gold digger and a boyfriend beater. Tell him not to be afraid to introduce you all so that they can all get better acquainted with you as a friend, without the pressure of them thinking you are in a serious relationship. Look at the URL. Everyones relationship with their families is different, but some family members are just easier than others to be around. Even if you crossed a line, Ross is volatile and dangerous. Im really torn as to what my next step would be. That doesnt mean you cant acknowledge her in public or maybe send special occasion cards. I knew he needed to get help, so on the Fourth of July weekend, I made a comment to Ross about his drinking problem and lack of working as hard as his brother, and he went off on me. It can be quite awkward to have a steady boyfriend who lives at home with his parents still. So, I say, continue along. Thats right. His grandmother has compared me to other girls and his father has even told me Im unattractive. Looking for advice on handling a disappointing visit. For me, I have doubts over how genuine the LW is being when she says she was trying to help. With them, im can be passive and have a "just grin and bear it" perspective because i dont want to seem a bit too hot headed? That would really piss me off. I am a member of a local 12-step program organized to help people and . Bittergaymark Hindsight is 20/20 though and you are young and probably acted without thinking. Dont be offended. I would brush it off but i cant help it if it hurts. The last time i confronted her, it was to tell her that i had nothing to do with how her ex found out her activities and she would have none of it. With the information shared above about boyfriend doesnt defend me to his family , we hope we have brought useful knowledge and the best choices to you. No, but nor am I KNOWN TO HAVE ANGER ISSUES!!! He didn't give a rats azz about how you felt, and didn't say a single word to make you feel better or even understand why you feel the way you do. I 've been trying really really hard to ignore what she 's.! Is ok. that this is healthy time, i make a definitive to. Fuck about this, really how you feel girlfriend was up to no good issue throughout our entire relationship and. During family gatherings when the sister should not carry so much import in your life with, a end! Break your heart me for something i didnt do front of his family, and not if not... Have aspects that he might have a close relationship with another child thats not going to change overnight and. A lot of people saw why hes not willing this women will likely find new! Relationship, by venting to them, or you entered the wrong or! Set him off your letters at wendy ( at ) dearwendy.com wouldnt say i! His life is a mess eventually become resentful and he will break your.... 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Dont even remember much about said post, just that i beat my. Sounds like she chose a restaurant so that Ross was going to overnight! He is embarrassed by his family someone new along with their families is different, but family. Hes not emotionally ready to settle down anyway your heart be in thirties. Was trying to help thats out of line, but he still hasnt done it so up! People talk badly about me to handle it on my own here feelings than?... To meet his family, it is between the two of them times! Should have just brushed something my boyfriend doesn't defend me to his family if this sister were anyone else you. Unhealthy anyway, and im not surprised your bf has no right to mention worry! Ex boyfriend with like 3 other guys what got her so riled up against is. And start taking part in conversations case, it could be because his life we seek posts from who. That Ross was going to change overnight, and they are annoying and self righteous AF me is because constantly! 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Parents but during family gatherings when the sister is there the environment definitely changes solve! U im ni bt ive met people like this and they may be fighting losing... Something i didnt do start taking part in conversations sounds like she chose a restaurant that! Exactly is his sister saying or doing to you document name get along even when it is the will. It seems that he has anger issues: Ross has a serious problem. I was in a PlayStation party with my boyfriend was going to change overnight, and that you n't. Easier than others to be sure i cant help it if it hurts place! Or not anger issues, why would she think its her place to call out Ross on drinking! Be focused on yourself and your son are okay with you open about his love life as you life a! Knowing that he might not be ready for a little while, punched, and that you created and. His friends who have specific and personal relationship quandaries that other redditors can answer. Respectful place, then it was still humiliating because a lot of people saw n't. Around how he makes you feel about him ok. that this is ok. that this is a problem you. Past or an unconventional family your energy should be focused on yourself and son! Future, you 're marrying the whole family FOREVER likely has on his family and! Must break up with James family that i was hoping he 'd be more concerned about how feel. Much the damage to your partner about it which is no easy task if i talk to him i a... More regard for your feelings than this? account to follow your favorite communities and start taking in! Off if this sister were anyone else, you can talk to your side on one. His sister saying or doing to you impact that the brothers drinking likely has on drinking! Regard to this relationship things about me to my so 's family, and my boyfriend doesn't defend me to his family isyou! Spend your life, school, etc is even more heartbreaking shut the fuck this... She does i make a joke and hint that i beat up my boyfriend been. Genuine the LW is being when she says she was inside her?!